Celebrity StyLOLe, Fashion


FV #2012 OSCARS RED CARPET PARTY: ROONEY MARA IS EYEING OUR #SPAM FOLDER



Givenchy haute couture is an obvious formula for success, right? This is exactly our problem with it, and it touches on my problem with Rooney Mara in general.

Now, disclaimer: perhaps I’m bitter that at least once a day someone stops me on the street and asks “HAZ ANY1 EVAR TOLD U THAT U LOOK JUST LYKE THE GURL WITH THA DRAGON TATTOO?” but I am extremely BORED with Mara’s frequent, stoic attempts to appear interesting on the red carpet. And it’s time we had a talk.

After the jump, I pen a brief letter to Miss Mara on her future fashion choices, with some added photographic proof that Lisbeth Salander borrowed MY look, and not the other way around, #THANKUVERYMUCH.


Dear Rooney,

While your pale skin and harsh bangs have certainly been garnering attention, including mine, there seems to be a lack of confidence or perhaps complexity behind the aesthetic. I read your Vanity Fair interview, alongside GWTDT director David Fincher, in which your own identity never surfaced. You are standing on the foremost precipice of young-leading-lady fame, and yet there is a distinct weakness to your presence– all your moves seem calculated, and calculated by others.

WHO ARE YOU? I want to see some MISTAKES. Where’s your swan dress, honey? Hire Anna Trevelyan (OR YA KNOW, ME) to put some airbrush nails and Ground Zero on your bony ass. You want your own image to overshadow Salander, the quintessential bad bitch? Rock some Jordans and a Mark Fast bodysuit on the red carpet. Chop your hair (or get a weave), smear your lipstick, and put some ATTITUDE in your step. Because now is your chance to establish YOUR image, separate from this huge role and the normie past you are clearly trying to distance yourself from.

The above bodice is making your boobs look funny, and overall your dress lacks a waistline and makes you look short. My services are just a brief e-mail away: brigid@fashionverbatim.com.

Hope to see you around, looking less GLUM.

XO
LILGOVERNMENT

PS. Oh, and Lisbeth? This image of me (below front, with friends), short-banged and eyebrow-free, was initially posted on March 2, 2010.

Image: Yahoo

By LILGOVERNMENT - 02.27.12

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